Thank you so much for joining me on this journey of posting snippets of Autohairography, my hair memoir. I’ve realized how much I miss sharing personal writings with you, and will do my best to keep it up! I have much more of this memoir to share, but I’ve chosen to end it right here, and the rest can be left to your imagination. Enjoy!

[image credit: ponydream]

Shortly after graduating from university, I got a grown-up job in a grown-up city with a grown-up income. I had a grown-up husband, a grown-up house, and a grown-up car.

I thought that, if anything, a grown-up hairstyle would fit in fabulously.

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Below is a snippet of my hope-to-be-published memoir, Autohairography. If you know of a publisher that’s nice and likes quirky girls, please email me!

[image credit: berta pfirsich]

2003.
for the love of hair.

My junior year of university, I fell in love. It was a short-lived romance that quickly evolved into a long-distance. Which was perfect for me, because it meant I didn’t have to shave my legs as often.

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Below is a snippet of my hope-to-be-published memoir, Autohairography. If you know of a publisher that’s nice and likes quirky girls, please email me!

[image credit: kaarel nurk]

2001-02.
leaving my roots.

Alternatively titled: Living My Roots. You see, as prepared as I was for my STINT as the main character in Erin Loechner: The College Years, I was quite misinformed as to the level of poverty I was embarking on. I use the term ‘poverty’ loosely, of course, as I had a warm bed, good food and a warm bed. What I did not have was the extra funds for a trip to the local salon.

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Below is a snippet of my hope-to-be-published memoir, Autohairography. If you know of a publisher that’s nice and likes quirky girls, please email me!

[image credit: susanna spangberg]

everything i know i learned from my hairdresser.

1. When life hands you lemons, put them in a spray bottle and spritz the formula onto your hair. You’ll get sheen and scent, both of which will gain you many, many years of luck with boys.
2. If you cut corners, you’ll wind up looking like a messed up version of yourself.
3. When the going gets tough, the tough bleach.
4. Speak softly and carry a big can of hairspray.
5. It’s OK if you don’t gel with everyone.
6. Work hard. Spray harder.
7. No one can make you feel you have bad hair without your consent.
8. Never forget your roots.
9. Ask not what you can do for your hair, but what your hair can do for you.
10. Only the good dye young.

Below is a snippet of my hope-to-be-published memoir, Autohairography. If you know of a publisher that’s nice and likes quirky girls, please email me!

[image credit: monsieur oiseau]

1999-00.
unkept behavior.

My last few years of high school flew by, specifically because I was captain of the swim team and had sold my soul to morning practices, weight lifting and boys in Speedos. And if you know anything about chlorinated hair, then you know everything about chlorinated hair. It smells, it’s dry and it sometimes turns white-ish.

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Below is a snippet of my hope-to-be-published memoir, Autohairography. If you know of a publisher that’s nice and likes quirky girls, please email me!

[image credit: beaf]

hair creed.

1. Hair today, gone tomorrow.
2. Pomade makes perfect.
3. You can never be too blonde. You can, however, use too much Sun-In, and in that case, get thee to a salon at once or your luscious blonde will turn into a citrus orange.
4. A thousand brushes a day keeps the tangles away.
5. Do hair to others as you would have them do to you.
6. Condition, condition, condition!
7. When push comes to shove, you haven’t used enough hairspray.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the blowdryer.
9. A brush in the hand is worth two in the drawer.
10. If at first you don’t succeed, dye, dye again.

Below is a snippet of my hope-to-be-published memoir, Autohairography. If you know of a publisher that’s nice and likes quirky girls, please email me!

[image credit: decidedly average]

1998.
summer love.

For some, 1998 was the year of the Tiger. For me, 1998 was the year of Sun-In. I picked up a part time job as a lifeguard that summer, and I was footloose and fancy-free with a big crush on Wayne Lickford, the buff bathhouse attendant. His girlfriend was much blonder than I (but also had bigger hips, so we were even). Rather than watch the two canoodle all summer, I was forced to take action.

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Below is a snippet of my hope-to-be-published memoir, Autohairography. If you know of a publisher that’s nice and likes quirky girls, please email me!

[image credit: martina korosec]

1997:
chlorine and clairol.

I joined the swim team in fifth grade because my older sister did, and I wanted to be just like her. Plus, she got to see Dan Harrison in a Speedo, which had happened to me so many times in my dreams that I thought it was time to happen in reality, too.

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Below is a snippet of my hope-to-be-published memoir, Autohairography. If you know of a publisher that’s nice and likes quirky girls, please email me!

[image credit: irene molina]

1996.
crimping my style.

Eventually, my hair grew out once again, back to its normal texture. In other words, it was straight as a rail. Which didn’t entirely fly with me, because Tiffany became popular and her hair was NOT straight. It was luscious, thick, full and CRIMPED.

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Below is a snippet of my hope-to-be-published memoir, Autohairography. If you know of a publisher that’s nice and likes quirky girls, please email me!

[image credit: anna liisa liiver]

1994-1995.
permeation.

The next few years of my childhood locks are a blur to me. I was introduced to a lot of essential influences in the mid-90′s; particularly Milli Vanilli, lace-bottomed leggings, K Swiss shoes and most importantly — the perm.

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